Sunday, June 19, 2005
Bad words, bad words, bad words.
I'm tired. And ooooooohhhhhhh so cranky. Fun for the audience, I'm sure, but not the best time I've ever had in my life.

Jacob has vaulted full-tilt into separation anxiety. Or, to be more precise, alone-in-his-crib anxiety. He does okay during the day, he plays on his own for short periods and he can crawl away from me without freaking out, and it's generally rainbows and flowers and birds singing. But any bed-related time -- naptime, bedtime, waking up in the middle of the night, whatever -- and he FREAKS OUT. Screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming. And then he'll pause juuuuuuuust long enough for me to relax... and then more screaming. It's lovely.

As long as I am physically in his room, he's fine. I don't even have to be holding him, touching him, facing him or even near him - just in the room is okay with him. But as soon as I break the plane of his door, BWAAAAAAHHHHHH. (Him, not me. I wait until I'm all the way in the living room before breaking into maniacal laughter.)

And I've checked... no, I did not leave my razor blade collection in his bed, or accidentally hook the ice-maker to dump into his diaper, or switch his bedtime music to death metal. Nor do bats roost above his crib, or any of the other of thousands of causes of legitimate freak-outs.

Did you ever see that cartoon, "Bambi Meets Godzilla"? That's EXACTLY how I feel right now. Here I was, just minding my own business, doing a little grazing, a little vacant staring, no big deal... and suddenly BAM BAM BAM this thing comes along and flattens me.

(What, me? Melodramatic?? NEVER.)

Seriously, I'm in a vicious cycle with him right now. If I could just get a full night's sleep, then I could wake up refreshed and patient and soothing and ready to outlast him for a day or two, until he re-figures out that when I leave the room I am not (usually) being abducted by aliens. But I can't get a full night's sleep until he re-figures that out in the first place.


On the up-side, I did the coolest thing yesterday. I went grocery shopping - BY MYSELF. I didn't ONCE have to field the question, "Can we get that?" or "Can I have a piece of cheese?" or "Can I push the cart?" Nobody drooled on me or soiled themselves in my immediate vicinity. I was able to move quickly down the aisles, but also stop and think about which unit price is actually lower. So wild. And - even better - when it was time to check out, I got carded! I haven't been carded in years!! (I'm 28.) Yay!!!

Okay. Off to bed. I'm tired of everything right now, particularly myself. Cross your fingers, toes, arms and eyes for me that Jacob (and therefore me!) gets some decent sleep tonight. I'm alone with the kids tomorrow, and I really don't want them to witness me snapping and running screaming down the street.