Friday, February 24, 2006
I'm not sure what hurts.
But something does.

It's not my head, though give it time, I've only been up for an hour and I'm still in the initial shock-upset-panic mode. It's not my heart, that's reserved for the people I love. But some big, central, important part of me hurts right now. And until I can figure out what it is, I can't fix it.

I didn't get an internship placement. This isn't a true shock by this point. I got turned down outright by 15 out of 16 of my initial sites, and ended up being able to scrounge out interviews at three sites, one decent one and two decidedly sub-par, unaccredited, but nonetheless internship, sites. I thought the interviews went okay, and I dared to believe that I might get *something*, but clearly I have not been paying attention to my own life lately.

The worst, absolute worst thing about it all is the knowledge that this could have been avoided. I was well on the way to getting a placement last year, had several interviews and was feeling good about the process, when I decided to take a year off to let Willem start school a year early. I was arrogant enough to think I could shake up the system and still make it give me what I wanted.

So I don't quite know what happens from here. I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need a little time to wallow and generally immerse myself in self-pity, and then I'll figure out the next step.