Thursday, November 18, 2004
The Husband Translator
Didja ever notice that, every once in a while, husbands don't quite say exactly what they mean... and that every once in a while we don't say exactly what we mean to them? I've started compiling a list of those occurrence in my house just lately.

He says: How was your day?
He means: Are you the woman I married or are you the blubbering, intermittently pissy, emotionally unpredictable creature that spends three or four days a week in my house?

He says: Wow, you've lost a lot of the pregnancy weight.
He means: Our sex life has been so sparse that I would lay down an elephant right now if I thought I would get some satisfaction from it, so in comparison you're looking pretty fine.

He says: I did X, Y and Z to get the baby to sleep in his crib.
I say: That's great, thank you.
I mean: I don't care if you are doing a naked emu mating dance and then sprinkling pickle juice on him, I'm getting an extra hour and a half of sleep while you put him down and then we all sleep better at night so I'm happy.

He says: Wow, you got the dishes done and started the laundry today.
He means: What do you DO with your day? How busy can you possibly be if you never leave the house?

He says: I stayed home with the kids today.
He means: Holy #&^#$, I'm exhausted and I wasn't able to do more than toss a slice of bread at the 4-year-old at lunchtime. I didn't realize people could live like this. Where did the day go?

I say: The kids are both asleep, shall we...?
I mean: You haven't gotten laid in 2 weeks and I feel guilty. If you get 15 minutes of bliss and I get a short nap afterwards, then we'll both be happy for a while.

I say: I'm still breastfeeding, ya know.
I mean: If things do progress into the bedroom, you are not to even LOOK at my breasts, much less touch them. They are tired. They are functional, not fun, right now. If you start to mess with them I will likely have a letdown and douse you in milk.

Big sigh. I think I'm ready for my Ultra Double Secret Decoder Ring now.