To sum up this week's American Idol thing...

1. Far too many of these people cry pretty. I get all blotchy and puffy and shiny. It's not fair.

2. The guy I couldn't remember, AJ Whatshisname, got kicked off. They'd better start sending me personal letters if they want to stay, because clearly it's my awareness that determines their success... even though I've never actually bothered to pick up a phone and throw it at the TV, or dial, or whatever.

3. Clearly, this year, instead of being put on a plane and sent home, the losers are being taken out back and shot. Why else would Sundance cry (prettily) after every single elimination?

4. Is it not weird to anyone else, anywhere, that Leslie Hunt and AJ Whatshisname, both of whom were escorted directly to the firing squad, sang the same song? In the same week?

5. I hereby submit that in at least one future show, the audience should be armed with some form of projectile, or should all wear scary masks, or perhaps should just arrange for synchronized bodily functions at key moments. Time to liven things up.