Wednesday, November 01, 2006
To the Man in the Red Corolla
I don't care that you supported George W. Bush in the last election. Fifteen times, if your bumper stickers are any indication.

I don't care that you carry a gun. It doesn't make me think any higher of you, or assume that you are any more masculine. TRUST me, it's not that impressive.

I don't care that you're against abortion. Given that you are middle-aged and, please God, not married, it is not likely to ever be an issue for you. Sure, okay, "Abortion Stops a Beating Heart," but you know what? So does smoking, and gee what's that little white stick in your hand?

I don't care that you support the troops. My personal opinion is that the best possible way to support the troops is to constantly question why they're over there and remain critical and aware. But if you need tens of thousands of Americans in the Middle East, fighting and dying, in order for you to feel like a better patriot, fine. Whatever. The sticker with the word "IRAQ" centered in a gun scope doesn't seem to me like the best or most effective foreign policy, but maybe you're just in the know.

And, to be clear, if you were at the opposite end of the political spectrum on every single one of those bumper stickers, I still wouldn't care. If I want to get to know you better, I'll sit you down and have a chat. I don't need your entire biography spelled out in cheap sun-faded stickers on the back of your car.

What I DO care about is actually not attached to your car at all. Do you see those little yellow lines on the road? They're there for a reason. Maybe you could try staying to the right of them. And that big bright thing overhead? That's a stoplight. There's a secret code to what all those colors mean, and I'd be happy to clue you in sometime. And also, those big white signs with the weird numbers on 'em? They have a purpose, too.

Until you've unlocked the mystery of traffic control devices, and perhaps some restraint in personal advertising, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't drive in front of me, ever again. Okay? Okay.