...Paris Hilton would assault another inmate following a heated exchange on the general topic of the worthiness of pocket-sized dogs as pets, thereby earning a several-year extension onto her sentence. Instead, she will get a book deal, and maybe even a (not-NC-17-rated) movie out of a couple of weeks of minimally just consequences for illegal actions.

...More people would read this story and, instead of invoking God and luck and miracles and rabbits' feet, would take a moment to pause, reflect, and say, "I wonder what the kid in the wheelchair is up to." Instead, the assumption is that the presence of a wheelchair creates a feebleminded, pathetic, innocent creature who couldn't possibly have just been bored and looking to shake things up. (Note: I don't know any more than what's in this type of article - maybe he is faultless. But am I really the only person in the country willing to consider an alternative hypothesis?)

...Idiotic medical conditions would strike people mute as well as causing pain. Instead they get you published.

...the phrase "half a foot deep" would apply only to liquids.

I need to not read the news. Not even yahoo's fake pretend cutesified version of news. Argh.